Titanic!

I watched Titanic yesterday and I have to say, it is the saddest movie EVER. Only two movies have ever made me actually cry, Titanic being one of them. And let me tell you, I am not the crying kind of girl usually.

The other movie that was sad enough to bring me to tears was "Stepmom" which I only saw half of and was still incredibly moved by the end. I would highly suggest it.

If you are a movie-cryer, beware of Love Story as well. Apparently it was the saddest movie of the 70's. My mom still almost cries when she hears the theme song from it. I haven't seen it yet, but I think I will certainly have to rent it sometime.

The NEW Me

I had a bit of a wakeup call recently. I realized that I'm really quite satisfied with myself as a person. I have lots of friends, an amazing boyfriend, and I'm really good at saxophone (music in general) and I'm pretty good at school, in general. That's all fine and dandy, sure. I could be ok staying the way I am for a long time, maybe forever. I could stay the Kim that doesn't really piss people off, who doesn't get in anybody's way, who tries her hardest to be agreeable to everything and to just get by without making a scene. But the thing is, what if I would be happier as a different Kim?

So I decided I need to make some big changes. The way that I am, I'm getting by without acheiving my goals to be a leader and teach people what comes naturally to me. I'm so afraid of being bossy and controlling because I know I've had problems with that in the past, that I'm not even willing to speak up when I hear or see something obviously wrong. So now I'm going to be courageous and just go for it. So what if some people get annoyed? It's better to try and see it doesn't work than to be too afraid to even go there. I'm too indifferent about everything. Maybe I need to be a little more intense to get my point across.

I complain a lot about people not seeing, appreciating or noticing me, but in truth, I know that it's my responsibility to make a change and MAKE them see me. It's my responsibility to make things happen for me. Recognition and privilege may be handed to some people, but I guess I'm one of those people that'll have to work my ass off to get it. That seems weird to me, because this is kind of the first thing I've ever been forced to put an effort into. Before this, everything's just kind of come naturally. School, easy. Music, easy. Friendship, moderately easy. I can get by without putting any work into anything.

So here's to the new me. I want so badly to change. But I really don't know where to start. Being the awesome friends you people are, if you have any help for me, please offer it because I don't know what I'm doing.

Rest of my life: Not so easy.

Driving on the Open Road

It occured to me, driving down the highway between some random prairie town and my grandparents' house that highway driving is really very monotonous. All you have to do is stay between the lines and keep a constant speed of 110 (or cheating 120 if your parents don't notice and no one is around you). Fairly straightforward (ooooh, two meanings). Personally, I enjoy the ambience of classic rock or similiar music. Singing along also makes my mom nervous. And my brother and dad sleepy, but that's not the point. Don't get me wrong, I love driving high speed through the country side, but it wouldn't hurt to be a little less dull. City driving you have the added bonus of lane changes and traffic lights. Can you imagine the intensity??

Anyways, yeah. That was what I did today. I drove a minivan. Yay.

TMNT?

Have you ever wondered about the thought process that led to the creation of "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"? I mean, how whacked out would you have to be. Here's my interpretation of how that went.

Person A: Guys, we need a new idea for a tv show. The market is high and so are we.

Person B: Ok, the characters are teenagers, cause what other group of viewers has this much time to watch tv? So we've got that.

Person C: And they should be ninjas!! Yeah, ninjas are cool. Hi-Yah!

Person D: But hasn't teenage ninjas already been done? It's not cutting edge enough... What issues are going to confront these teenage ninjas? What differentiates them from other teenage ninjas?

A: Yes, it does seem a little mainstream.

C: Mutants!! Mutants are awesome!!

B: Ok, fine. They're now teenage mutant ninjas. Good enough?

D: I'm going to be cynical again and say that it's still too predictable. I mean, it's rather obvious. How else are your average teenagers going to become ninjas? Be taught by a giant rat? No, of course they're mutants.

A: But what kind of mutants? Aren't mutants supposed to look weird or be socially repellant? Yeah, any mutants I know aren't stealthy enough to be ninjas.

B: So what kind of physical or mental anomaly should these teenage mutant ninjas have?

C: TURTLES!!! I love turtles! All..... turtley and whatnot.

D: It's a little out there, but I can dig it. Any other ideas? Teenage mutant ninja turtles... sounds like something we could make some dough off of. B, you call the boss to set up a presentation meeting.

B: Sure. Next business, what should we have for lunch?

C: Sandwiches! Now who doesn't like a good sandwich? Sandwiches are soooo cool. I wanna be a sandwich.

*brief awkward silence*

A: Shut up C. You're a moron.

Back to the Blog!!

I have nothing to write. Other than I realized that I wrote a ridiculous amount in January and almost none in February and now in March! This must change. Also, my last few blogs have been really quite depressing. I'm not that much of a whiny, down person. Really, I'm not. I'm a happy, perky person! Almost a little bipolar in that way... Except I don't punch people. Not that that has anything to do with anything.

Song writing!! I'm in a rut. I have nothing but crap, corny lyrics and only a part of one good song. Although it's quite the downer, being about homelessness and all.

Best boyfried in the whole world! I know some of you (coughameliacough) doubt my capacity for a good, lasting relationship. BUT I have proved you people wrong again, and again, and again, and lately, again again. Got the point? But yeah. So, as you could tell by my last two posts, I was really really down earlier this week, but now I'm much better. And you wanna know who's the cause of that? (well, the main one. you other good friends helped too). It was my most amazing, most excellent, most wonderful, compassionate, caring boyfriend, Nico. When no one else could really make me feel better, he made a point of being there for me. I can't imagine what I would have done without him. I think this might be what people sing about in crappy love songs that make single people pissed and 13 year old girls who date high school boys swoon. I don't want to be one to brag, but I am the luckiest girl in the world right about now and I hope it stays that way.

Lose Myself

Sorry for yet another depressing post for you people, but I just watched an Eminem video and now I'm saddish. And now for the worry! In free-verse poem format, ooooooh. (for those of you less educated than I, that means no, rhythm, no rhyme, no rules)

Why do you suppose I'm me?
I know, but do you?
Does anyone really know me?
Or do they just see what's in front of me?
I'm stuck in the background
I guess
It's not who you are
But what you accomplish
What have I accomplished in this world?
People don't know
They only know when I lack it

I'm scared

Of becoming nothing but a relative
Nothing but his girlfriend, her friend
Stuck in the background
I don't know where to go
If I lost it, what would I be?
If deafness falls upon my ears, blindness upon my life
Of becoming normal
Losing my edge
My music, my talent
My self

I'm sorry

For validating myself by you
For following, not leading
For being confused
For distracting
For being so high maintenance
That I take your time, make it my own, just because I need you
For making you read this sad poem.


[Ok, that's it. I'm actually not even that sad, but it's just good to let it out sometimes. Besides, the disorganization of free-verse is so... freeing. Anyways, back to optimism! Oh, and feel free to decipher the bold and italic words. Not that they mean anything in particular.]

Envy - The Sweetest Sin

Today was blocking camp at band, and I did really well I think. Nine times out of ten I was right on my dot, I knew where I was going next, and my music sounded perfect too. I was pretty darn happy with myself. That was, until the great green monster of jealousy reared its ugly head. I won't name names, not that it matters as he never reads this anyway, but I'm in a moral dilemma here. I love this person so very much, more than I thought was possible a while ago, but I get so jealous of him sometimes that it hurts.
I just wish people would see me as they see him. I KNOW I can do just as good. I KNOW I'm a good marcher and an even better musician. Hell, I might even be a stronger musician than him, but it doesn't matter if I am. I just want people to know who I am and what I can do. But the thing is, you might be thinking "just put yourself out there more!" but I do the best I can being stuck at the very back of the field the whole time, away from my section. I do the best I can marching the most difficult instrument to march. But I just can't shine as much as him. He gets to play above the whole band, all the staff know who he is cause they always have compliments for him, but I just blend in the background because that's who I'm MEANT to be. Sure, I love watching him in the spotlight, and I love that he gets all those privileges, but you see, I just want my turn. I sound like a spoiled three year old, but that's what I think.
And the worst part is, that I wouldn't even mind quite as much that no one else knows who I am and what I can do, but even he doesn't see it. He keeps saying that we're equal and all, but I'm so worried that he doesn't actually believe it. After all, he never gets to see me at my best, or at all.
I love him and his music and his marching, but I just wish he would love my music too. After all, I'm nothing without it.

PS: If you (meaning you, who I love so much but feel so unequal to sometimes) are reading this, don't take this to mean that I'm mad at you. I'm more mad at myself. Sure, sometimes it bothers me the way you are, but much more often I love everything about you and without you I guess I don't even know what I'd do. Although, I don't even know why I'm writing this 'cause you never read this anyways (also, not mad about that, I know it's just the kind of person you are)

How I Get By

It seems everyone around me is collapsing under the pressure and stress of life. They're just squeezing by, and it scares the bejeezus out of me that I can't help them at all. Thinking about this made me think, just how do I get by without feeling like that too? Like everything's just piling up and nothing has a point anymore?

It's always concerned me that I don't get worked up about the same things other people do. Others freak out about homework, school grades, extracurriculars, I freak out about friendships, and how people see me (and how I see them). For instance, other people freak about how school is controlling their life. I don't. The way I do it is that I always have something to look forward to. For instance, this past week things could have been really tough. Homework piled up on me from every angle, I was having problems with the new marching for the show, and it was just pretty tough. But all week I was looking forward to last night, the CRUB dance. It's pretty weird that something that straightforward can keep me calm all week. And I know I might be the only person around that can get by like that, but it's just the way I work.

What sucks though is that whenever people get really messed up and depressed and they come to me, I don't know how to empathize with them. And so that really frustrates me cause I can't exactly tell people in their hour of need "sorry, I don't get depressed. can't help ya there!" Because I really DO want to help, I just have no idea how!

I'm so messed up...

And the awful truth hits...

Wow, I haven't posted on here in forever! If you were wondering, Mexico was hot, had good food, but was rather boring after the first week and a half. Now onto what I actually want to write about.

Ok, so yesterday was the sunday of the first blocking camp. Fast drill, big step sizes, slides from hell, the list goes on. But it came to my attention that perhaps I need to work on my marching as I'm a little rough. Hell, last year I was pretty awful at marching. So I got on my treadmill with my bari, played a couple notes, and realized that I really couldn't tell what my feet were doing but I had the awful sensation that it wasn't good. My tone was crap while moving too. This worried me. So, taking a leaf from the serious sports people, I grabbed the video camera. I set it on the accordion case next to the treadmill and fired 'er up. I marched fast, slow, and did sliding too (ouch). But then I had to watch the video. And let me say I am sorely dissapointed in myself. I am such a crappy marcher I don't even know what to do with myself. The most severe problems are:

• Toes are not high enough!!
• Lose tone and control (and volume to some extent) while marching, especially sliding)
• Upper body is whacked during sliding
• Can't tongue sixteenth notes accurately (as if this will come into use...)
• Upper body shifts while playing fast passages (again, few and far between but still a concern)
• It just sucks. Period.

Although I have to say, I'm in time constantly. Right on the beat, even. And that's something, I guess. Still, this week has now been renamed: "Catch up on homework and march my butt off" week. After all, I'm a captain. I can't suck this bad.

Is That So Difficult?

You would think I'd have the willpower to stay out of other peoples' business. It wouldn't be that hard, I'd just have to find something else to occupy myself with, but no. I just had to get involved and stay involved and make a big mess of things and be a huge idiot. I think my life needs to be more interesting so that I don't feel like I have to meddle in others' affairs (or lack thereof). Sometimes I hate myself for that bad habit of mine. Definitely something to work on.

Another thing! You would think it wouldn't be that difficult to have a serious discussion with someone very close to you about some very important concerns. But being the emotionally retarded person I am, this simple task somehow grows into this horrible thing I can't even think of, let alone accomplish. Cause I don't think we'll make it too much longer if we don't discuss some things, but I don't see how I can bring that up. I'm not very good at sorting out my OWN difficulties.

Something about this seems a little messed up...