It's personal rant time again, people.

I guess you could say I knew it was going to end. Not to say I wanted it to. I mean, I love him more than I think he could possibly understand. But that's the whole problem isn't it? He doesn't get it. When this started I didn't think I could possibly love someone as much as... well, let's not go into that. But over the months I've grown to care about him more than ever. And I've told him that. Deep down, however, I don't think he knows.

Because if he knew, he'd put some effort in. It wouldn't be me pushing him to everything. Maybe I'm too bossy, but I just wish I could sit back and have him take care of me more often. Or at all. I love him and want to spend time with me but he doesn't feel the same.

If he knew, perhaps he wouldn't be so afraid. Afraid to make the first move. To talk to me about what he really thinks. To show me off in front of his other friends rather than hiding me. Maybe he wouldn't be afraid of disappointing me if he knew I already am.

Maybe I'm being irrational. But I figure if he says he likes me as much as he does, shouldn't he want to make time to spend with me? Shouldn't he come over and talk to me all on his own, without me coming to him? I think part of the reason I'm so unnerved by this is that it brings me back to how I was before. When I was chasing after him. I don't want to be the desperate one again. Please don't make me be that girl again.

I think I love too much. I love too hard. I don't know if anybody will love me as much as I love them. And I love him so so so much. I don't know if he understands that. And I don't know if he feels the same. I hope more than anything that he does.

I'm so tired of having to push not just him but everyone around me. I thought he was the one person who didn't see me that way. But maybe that can change. I hope he can realize that I need him. I need him more than so many things.

Like I said above, I knew it would end. But only if he made it end. He doesn't know it, but he's ending it. It won't be over today. Or next week. But it will end because he's taking it that way. Ironic that the only thing he directs is the impending end of things. I hope beyond hope that he'll change things. I don't want it to end. I love him and I don't want to lose him. But if things don't change, I don't see any other way of things to go. I need him. I need him to bring a little more. Just a little every day would change things. I love him. I love the glimpses I get of his passion. Just under the surface. I just hope that passion will be given to me someday. Someday soon.

I love him.

I hope he loves me.

But I don't know if that's too much to ask.

Does He Know?

No, he didn't know that with every movement my shoulder throbbed with pain. He didn't know that yesterday I shuddered with pain whenever I had to move a certain way while marching. He didn't know that I wanted so badly to get an ice pack but didn't want to leave the field. He didn't know that I didn't want to tell him because I knew it would just sound like whining. He didn't know that the pain escalated all through today.

He didn't know all of that when he hugged me today.

Did he know he was hurting me?

I don't know.

My Happy List

I decided to make a list of songs that make me want to dance. That make me wanna sing along and maybe even play along with my instruments. Perhaps I can hope that my happy songs will make you people out there happy too.


We could all use a little more happy in our lives.


1. (Your love keeps lifting me) Higher and Higher - Jackie Wilson
2. A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More "Touch Me" - Fallout Boy
3. Ain't That The Way It Always Ends - Tim McGraw
4. Baba O'Riley - The Who
5. Born To Be Wild - Steppenwolf
6. Brown Eyed Girl - Van Morrison
7. Callin' Baton Rouge - Garth Brooks
8. Cheeseburger in Paradise - Jimmy Buffet
9. Chelsea Dagger - The Fratelli's
10. Crocodile Rock - Elton John
11. Dirty Little Secret - All-American Rejects
12. Do It - Spice Girls
13. For The Girl - The Fratelli's
14. Here's Tae the Blackwatch - Back of the Moon
15. I Got A Woman - Ray Charles
16. It's Not Unusual - Tom Jones
17. Jungle Boogie - Kool & The Gang
18. Land of 1000 Dances - Wilson Pickett
19. Let It Roll - Little Feat
20. One Love - Jason Mraz
21. Pump It - Black Eyed Peas
22. Shake Your Groove Thing - Peaches & Herb
23. Sweet Home Alabama - Lynyrd Skynyrd
24. Takin' It To The Streets - Doobie Brothers
25. The Hampsterdance Song - Hampton The Hamster
26. The Lady is a Tramp - Tony Bennett
27. Three Little Birds - Bob Marley & The Wailers
28. ummm... something about a park? By Chicago? Maybe?
29. Walk This Way - Aerosmith
30. Where's The Love - Hanson
31. You Feel The Same Way Too - The Rankin Family
32. You Make Me Feel Like Dancing - Carmen Carter & Donnie McClurken

Happy Listening! If you people can't find any of these songs and you want them, let me know and I'll send them to you post haste. ASAP. Promptly.