It's personal rant time again, people.

I guess you could say I knew it was going to end. Not to say I wanted it to. I mean, I love him more than I think he could possibly understand. But that's the whole problem isn't it? He doesn't get it. When this started I didn't think I could possibly love someone as much as... well, let's not go into that. But over the months I've grown to care about him more than ever. And I've told him that. Deep down, however, I don't think he knows.

Because if he knew, he'd put some effort in. It wouldn't be me pushing him to everything. Maybe I'm too bossy, but I just wish I could sit back and have him take care of me more often. Or at all. I love him and want to spend time with me but he doesn't feel the same.

If he knew, perhaps he wouldn't be so afraid. Afraid to make the first move. To talk to me about what he really thinks. To show me off in front of his other friends rather than hiding me. Maybe he wouldn't be afraid of disappointing me if he knew I already am.

Maybe I'm being irrational. But I figure if he says he likes me as much as he does, shouldn't he want to make time to spend with me? Shouldn't he come over and talk to me all on his own, without me coming to him? I think part of the reason I'm so unnerved by this is that it brings me back to how I was before. When I was chasing after him. I don't want to be the desperate one again. Please don't make me be that girl again.

I think I love too much. I love too hard. I don't know if anybody will love me as much as I love them. And I love him so so so much. I don't know if he understands that. And I don't know if he feels the same. I hope more than anything that he does.

I'm so tired of having to push not just him but everyone around me. I thought he was the one person who didn't see me that way. But maybe that can change. I hope he can realize that I need him. I need him more than so many things.

Like I said above, I knew it would end. But only if he made it end. He doesn't know it, but he's ending it. It won't be over today. Or next week. But it will end because he's taking it that way. Ironic that the only thing he directs is the impending end of things. I hope beyond hope that he'll change things. I don't want it to end. I love him and I don't want to lose him. But if things don't change, I don't see any other way of things to go. I need him. I need him to bring a little more. Just a little every day would change things. I love him. I love the glimpses I get of his passion. Just under the surface. I just hope that passion will be given to me someday. Someday soon.

I love him.

I hope he loves me.

But I don't know if that's too much to ask.