Today was blocking camp at band, and I did really well I think. Nine times out of ten I was right on my dot, I knew where I was going next, and my music sounded perfect too. I was pretty darn happy with myself. That was, until the great green monster of jealousy reared its ugly head. I won't name names, not that it matters as he never reads this anyway, but I'm in a moral dilemma here. I love this person so very much, more than I thought was possible a while ago, but I get so jealous of him sometimes that it hurts.
I just wish people would see me as they see him. I KNOW I can do just as good. I KNOW I'm a good marcher and an even better musician. Hell, I might even be a stronger musician than him, but it doesn't matter if I am. I just want people to know who I am and what I can do. But the thing is, you might be thinking "just put yourself out there more!" but I do the best I can being stuck at the very back of the field the whole time, away from my section. I do the best I can marching the most difficult instrument to march. But I just can't shine as much as him. He gets to play above the whole band, all the staff know who he is cause they always have compliments for him, but I just blend in the background because that's who I'm MEANT to be. Sure, I love watching him in the spotlight, and I love that he gets all those privileges, but you see, I just want my turn. I sound like a spoiled three year old, but that's what I think.
And the worst part is, that I wouldn't even mind quite as much that no one else knows who I am and what I can do, but even he doesn't see it. He keeps saying that we're equal and all, but I'm so worried that he doesn't actually believe it. After all, he never gets to see me at my best, or at all.
I love him and his music and his marching, but I just wish he would love my music too. After all, I'm nothing without it.
PS: If you (meaning you, who I love so much but feel so unequal to sometimes) are reading this, don't take this to mean that I'm mad at you. I'm more mad at myself. Sure, sometimes it bothers me the way you are, but much more often I love everything about you and without you I guess I don't even know what I'd do. Although, I don't even know why I'm writing this 'cause you never read this anyways (also, not mad about that, I know it's just the kind of person you are)
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5 comments:
Kim, stop it. You are sooo good. I told your mom that when you came over to my house and tried out my tenor, you were soooo awesome. You just picked it up and played. Just like that. Glanced at the music, picked it up and PLAYED REAL MUSIC!!! You were performing when I said this to your mom, but I said it. And this particular loved one is quite an idiot to not give you everything possible, because you deserve it. Don't worry, Kim. I don't think he's ever going to read this...Which is sad, but true. Anyways, what I'm getting at is even though people don't bow down to the masterful Kim, you have better things than just being the center of attention. You've got great friends (not implying anything...:P) who look past how much attention you get.
I don't know about you, but a lot of attention is exactly the opposite of what I want. Attention is overrated. Well, if you want it, I'll see what I can do. And I'm going to hurt this particular loved one soon, if he doesn't get his act together.
...I hope I made some sort of sense in this comment, because I haven't read it over. <3
noooo, it's not his fault at all, so don't even feel like we need to hurt him. I wouldn't ever want to take away from him what he has.
You know, I was given my position (captain) for a reason, and I don't know if the new people and the seniors even know what that is. And that makes me a little sad. I just wish I could SHARE the spotlight with others. Not steal it, per se, but share it. I was named captain so I could share my gifts, but at the moment they're not giving me the chance.
I'm still hurting him for being so oblivious. Can anybody GET more dense?! Anyways. That might be a little harsh, and I might regret that later, but oh well. It's what I'm thinking right now.
And others need to realize your talents as well, because you've got many. Ok. Well, next year, all you're going to get is compliments and respect from me :P Not that I don't do that now.
Kim, you're the most talented musician I've ever met. Seriously. Who cares if you aren't in the spotlight? You do what you do best. Everyone who knows you well knows how amazing you are. If other people never hear you play, it's their loss. You're doing the best that you can, which is much better than most of us. And yes, people respect you as captain.
*smacks Nico for being stupid among other things* I'm sorry but yes he can be a handful (not a good time for misinterpretation guys) He's just slow on the uptake... and Kim honestly, you're fantastic at music, practically my idol (but not quite cause I've gone out to see a few pros and, they might outrank you by like... I dunno one or two places in my head) I honestly think though out of all my friends you are the most mulit talented and I'm almost jealous of it, but I don't like jealously so I shan't be. But you understand what I'm saying right?
<3
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