Confusion Maxed Out

There gets to be a certain point where you're done trying to rationalize your thoughts and feelings about a certain subject. After a while there's just no use anymore. It doesn't and will probably not make sense for a really long time. So why spend all that time and effort trying to speed things along when there are plenty of other things to concentrate on in the meantime?


For a while I tried to decide between my choices. One is a mirage of a dead end. Once is completely open-ended. So open-ended I can't even begin to see what lies ahead. But which is the better path to choose? I have to pick one, because neither is far worse than the alternative.


The first choice is a familiar road. It's cobblestones would feel right beneath my feet. The stops along the way would be comforting in their resemblance of home. I've been down this path before. The way there is paradise. However, last time I took this road there was nothing waiting for me at the end. I was left to stare into an abyss and wait with nothing but my thoughts to accompany me. But perhaps I was simply blind to what lay beyond where I could see. Is it worth it to step off that cliff, cheating what is meant to be?


The second choice would require shutting the door to the first road completely and forever. That beautiful route would be gone and I can only think that I would miss it too much.
However, a siren calls me to a new path. The one not traveled before. After so long coasting I am tempted to run off into the unknown. No word of how the journey will go or how it will end. He calls me quietly, subtly, and I stand immobile, waiting.


I am torn between two ways to go. Go where? To the place where I am cared for, where things are even and fair and things are right. I don't know how to get there and I don't know who to travel with. They call me both ways, at some times quietly and at some louder than I can bear.


I am leaning one way, about to step into a place where I cannot turn back. I take one guide's hand, and I push the other away.

It's personal rant time again, people.

I guess you could say I knew it was going to end. Not to say I wanted it to. I mean, I love him more than I think he could possibly understand. But that's the whole problem isn't it? He doesn't get it. When this started I didn't think I could possibly love someone as much as... well, let's not go into that. But over the months I've grown to care about him more than ever. And I've told him that. Deep down, however, I don't think he knows.

Because if he knew, he'd put some effort in. It wouldn't be me pushing him to everything. Maybe I'm too bossy, but I just wish I could sit back and have him take care of me more often. Or at all. I love him and want to spend time with me but he doesn't feel the same.

If he knew, perhaps he wouldn't be so afraid. Afraid to make the first move. To talk to me about what he really thinks. To show me off in front of his other friends rather than hiding me. Maybe he wouldn't be afraid of disappointing me if he knew I already am.

Maybe I'm being irrational. But I figure if he says he likes me as much as he does, shouldn't he want to make time to spend with me? Shouldn't he come over and talk to me all on his own, without me coming to him? I think part of the reason I'm so unnerved by this is that it brings me back to how I was before. When I was chasing after him. I don't want to be the desperate one again. Please don't make me be that girl again.

I think I love too much. I love too hard. I don't know if anybody will love me as much as I love them. And I love him so so so much. I don't know if he understands that. And I don't know if he feels the same. I hope more than anything that he does.

I'm so tired of having to push not just him but everyone around me. I thought he was the one person who didn't see me that way. But maybe that can change. I hope he can realize that I need him. I need him more than so many things.

Like I said above, I knew it would end. But only if he made it end. He doesn't know it, but he's ending it. It won't be over today. Or next week. But it will end because he's taking it that way. Ironic that the only thing he directs is the impending end of things. I hope beyond hope that he'll change things. I don't want it to end. I love him and I don't want to lose him. But if things don't change, I don't see any other way of things to go. I need him. I need him to bring a little more. Just a little every day would change things. I love him. I love the glimpses I get of his passion. Just under the surface. I just hope that passion will be given to me someday. Someday soon.

I love him.

I hope he loves me.

But I don't know if that's too much to ask.

Does He Know?

No, he didn't know that with every movement my shoulder throbbed with pain. He didn't know that yesterday I shuddered with pain whenever I had to move a certain way while marching. He didn't know that I wanted so badly to get an ice pack but didn't want to leave the field. He didn't know that I didn't want to tell him because I knew it would just sound like whining. He didn't know that the pain escalated all through today.

He didn't know all of that when he hugged me today.

Did he know he was hurting me?

I don't know.

My Happy List

I decided to make a list of songs that make me want to dance. That make me wanna sing along and maybe even play along with my instruments. Perhaps I can hope that my happy songs will make you people out there happy too.


We could all use a little more happy in our lives.


1. (Your love keeps lifting me) Higher and Higher - Jackie Wilson
2. A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More "Touch Me" - Fallout Boy
3. Ain't That The Way It Always Ends - Tim McGraw
4. Baba O'Riley - The Who
5. Born To Be Wild - Steppenwolf
6. Brown Eyed Girl - Van Morrison
7. Callin' Baton Rouge - Garth Brooks
8. Cheeseburger in Paradise - Jimmy Buffet
9. Chelsea Dagger - The Fratelli's
10. Crocodile Rock - Elton John
11. Dirty Little Secret - All-American Rejects
12. Do It - Spice Girls
13. For The Girl - The Fratelli's
14. Here's Tae the Blackwatch - Back of the Moon
15. I Got A Woman - Ray Charles
16. It's Not Unusual - Tom Jones
17. Jungle Boogie - Kool & The Gang
18. Land of 1000 Dances - Wilson Pickett
19. Let It Roll - Little Feat
20. One Love - Jason Mraz
21. Pump It - Black Eyed Peas
22. Shake Your Groove Thing - Peaches & Herb
23. Sweet Home Alabama - Lynyrd Skynyrd
24. Takin' It To The Streets - Doobie Brothers
25. The Hampsterdance Song - Hampton The Hamster
26. The Lady is a Tramp - Tony Bennett
27. Three Little Birds - Bob Marley & The Wailers
28. ummm... something about a park? By Chicago? Maybe?
29. Walk This Way - Aerosmith
30. Where's The Love - Hanson
31. You Feel The Same Way Too - The Rankin Family
32. You Make Me Feel Like Dancing - Carmen Carter & Donnie McClurken

Happy Listening! If you people can't find any of these songs and you want them, let me know and I'll send them to you post haste. ASAP. Promptly.

Who Needs Sports?

I speak for my people, meaning the uncoordinated, non-depth-perceptive people, when I say that there are oppurtunities to sports. After being hit in the face too many times with various sports equipment I realized there must be another way to incorporate fitness activities into my life. And thus I discovered the magic of band.

I was not a fat girl before band. Nor was I skinny. I was a little on the pudge side of things, but not unhappy with my appearance. Nearly two years and at least 15 pounds lighter I have a message. Bari sax saved my waistline. Sure, you might be asking how is that possible, but come on. The thing weighs 15 pounds outside the case, nearly 45 in the case, and I tote it all over the city, and march around with it for hours on end.

Normal people, or even people who do sports regularly, would not be able to handle what I do at band for even an hour. In layman's terms, I'm a beast. You should see my band injuries and my band muscles. My right bicep is envied by many a sports-failing young person.

Not to sound self-centered, but I love my sax, and I love what it's done for me. You people with little instruments or people who aren't in band at all have no idea. I'd like to see you do my job. As I've said before, it's INTENSE!!

Fiction part TWO!

So the girl went on, and she thought the same sad, depressing little thoughts and pitied herself greatly. But it was one day that she almost snapped. All day things had gone exactly as routine, and at the very end, when she was the only one left cleaning up, she was rather angry. "Why do I even bother? What's the point?" All in all, she was very much displeased and was almost ready to just go off and explode. Or do something else irrational. But then he came up behind her, crouched down just a bit.
"Hey, I'm leaving, see you tomorrow," and he kissed the top of her head oh so gently (although still quickly) and she was content. She quickly got herself together enough to say quietly "oh, bye," but as soon as he walked away she sighed in happiness. So what if she didn't have the same boyfriend as the ones on tv that are all over them every second of the day? Just for those tiny little moments that made her feel like the world was just right, she would stay with him forever, living for the small things.

C'est la vie.

Fiction!! (ish)

She looks at him across the huge room, people surrounding both of them. She watched him a lot, actually, although not once did she ever catch him looking back. Not that she minded, he was awfully busy as she knew. She knew he was an important guy there. As she blew her too-long bangs out of her face, she looked back down to her music. Not that she needed to check it. She knew it so well she sang it in the shower, for god's sakes.
He was deep in conversation with his friend, the girl next to him. Not that she was jealous. Not at all, she wasn't the kind of girl who would get upset with her boyfriend for being around other girls. Not in the least. She even got annoyed by her friends who were like that. She watched as he playfully tapped her arm. She would've paid money for that to be her.
But she went back to her music, delving deeper and deeper into making the loudest, best sound possible until she didn't even think about him at all. About an hour later they met together in the hall, chaos reining all around. People were walking back and forth, laughing, talking. They also were talking. She made good conversation, but when she stared into his eyes listening to what he had to say, all she could think was that she just wanted to put her arms around him, lay her head on his shoulder and listen to him breathe. But that never happens. They come back, week after week, repeating the same cycle. She watches, listens, hopes, but her hope must stand until the next time. "Maybe this time he'll pick up on my hints. Maybe."
Even when it was just them. No one around for miles, perhaps on a bridge or walking down a deserted street. She loved hearing him talk and so she talked back, but the whole time she watched his moving lips thinking "I just want to kiss them for ever and ever. Or at least until we have to go home," and she could have gone for it. She could have taken his hand, pulled him really close, shut her eyes and just let it happen. He would have gotten it then. But she never did. Not once.

This is what she thought as she sat beside him, just their ankles touching beneath the table. This is what she thought as she hugged him from behind. As she rested on his back during a one-time only piggy-back ride. As she looked at him from across the room. Perhaps one day she would get up the nerve to do what she desired to do, but for now she would be fine with talking. Just talking.

Titanic!

I watched Titanic yesterday and I have to say, it is the saddest movie EVER. Only two movies have ever made me actually cry, Titanic being one of them. And let me tell you, I am not the crying kind of girl usually.

The other movie that was sad enough to bring me to tears was "Stepmom" which I only saw half of and was still incredibly moved by the end. I would highly suggest it.

If you are a movie-cryer, beware of Love Story as well. Apparently it was the saddest movie of the 70's. My mom still almost cries when she hears the theme song from it. I haven't seen it yet, but I think I will certainly have to rent it sometime.

The NEW Me

I had a bit of a wakeup call recently. I realized that I'm really quite satisfied with myself as a person. I have lots of friends, an amazing boyfriend, and I'm really good at saxophone (music in general) and I'm pretty good at school, in general. That's all fine and dandy, sure. I could be ok staying the way I am for a long time, maybe forever. I could stay the Kim that doesn't really piss people off, who doesn't get in anybody's way, who tries her hardest to be agreeable to everything and to just get by without making a scene. But the thing is, what if I would be happier as a different Kim?

So I decided I need to make some big changes. The way that I am, I'm getting by without acheiving my goals to be a leader and teach people what comes naturally to me. I'm so afraid of being bossy and controlling because I know I've had problems with that in the past, that I'm not even willing to speak up when I hear or see something obviously wrong. So now I'm going to be courageous and just go for it. So what if some people get annoyed? It's better to try and see it doesn't work than to be too afraid to even go there. I'm too indifferent about everything. Maybe I need to be a little more intense to get my point across.

I complain a lot about people not seeing, appreciating or noticing me, but in truth, I know that it's my responsibility to make a change and MAKE them see me. It's my responsibility to make things happen for me. Recognition and privilege may be handed to some people, but I guess I'm one of those people that'll have to work my ass off to get it. That seems weird to me, because this is kind of the first thing I've ever been forced to put an effort into. Before this, everything's just kind of come naturally. School, easy. Music, easy. Friendship, moderately easy. I can get by without putting any work into anything.

So here's to the new me. I want so badly to change. But I really don't know where to start. Being the awesome friends you people are, if you have any help for me, please offer it because I don't know what I'm doing.

Rest of my life: Not so easy.

Driving on the Open Road

It occured to me, driving down the highway between some random prairie town and my grandparents' house that highway driving is really very monotonous. All you have to do is stay between the lines and keep a constant speed of 110 (or cheating 120 if your parents don't notice and no one is around you). Fairly straightforward (ooooh, two meanings). Personally, I enjoy the ambience of classic rock or similiar music. Singing along also makes my mom nervous. And my brother and dad sleepy, but that's not the point. Don't get me wrong, I love driving high speed through the country side, but it wouldn't hurt to be a little less dull. City driving you have the added bonus of lane changes and traffic lights. Can you imagine the intensity??

Anyways, yeah. That was what I did today. I drove a minivan. Yay.