Confusion Maxed Out

There gets to be a certain point where you're done trying to rationalize your thoughts and feelings about a certain subject. After a while there's just no use anymore. It doesn't and will probably not make sense for a really long time. So why spend all that time and effort trying to speed things along when there are plenty of other things to concentrate on in the meantime?


For a while I tried to decide between my choices. One is a mirage of a dead end. Once is completely open-ended. So open-ended I can't even begin to see what lies ahead. But which is the better path to choose? I have to pick one, because neither is far worse than the alternative.


The first choice is a familiar road. It's cobblestones would feel right beneath my feet. The stops along the way would be comforting in their resemblance of home. I've been down this path before. The way there is paradise. However, last time I took this road there was nothing waiting for me at the end. I was left to stare into an abyss and wait with nothing but my thoughts to accompany me. But perhaps I was simply blind to what lay beyond where I could see. Is it worth it to step off that cliff, cheating what is meant to be?


The second choice would require shutting the door to the first road completely and forever. That beautiful route would be gone and I can only think that I would miss it too much.
However, a siren calls me to a new path. The one not traveled before. After so long coasting I am tempted to run off into the unknown. No word of how the journey will go or how it will end. He calls me quietly, subtly, and I stand immobile, waiting.


I am torn between two ways to go. Go where? To the place where I am cared for, where things are even and fair and things are right. I don't know how to get there and I don't know who to travel with. They call me both ways, at some times quietly and at some louder than I can bear.


I am leaning one way, about to step into a place where I cannot turn back. I take one guide's hand, and I push the other away.

It's personal rant time again, people.

I guess you could say I knew it was going to end. Not to say I wanted it to. I mean, I love him more than I think he could possibly understand. But that's the whole problem isn't it? He doesn't get it. When this started I didn't think I could possibly love someone as much as... well, let's not go into that. But over the months I've grown to care about him more than ever. And I've told him that. Deep down, however, I don't think he knows.

Because if he knew, he'd put some effort in. It wouldn't be me pushing him to everything. Maybe I'm too bossy, but I just wish I could sit back and have him take care of me more often. Or at all. I love him and want to spend time with me but he doesn't feel the same.

If he knew, perhaps he wouldn't be so afraid. Afraid to make the first move. To talk to me about what he really thinks. To show me off in front of his other friends rather than hiding me. Maybe he wouldn't be afraid of disappointing me if he knew I already am.

Maybe I'm being irrational. But I figure if he says he likes me as much as he does, shouldn't he want to make time to spend with me? Shouldn't he come over and talk to me all on his own, without me coming to him? I think part of the reason I'm so unnerved by this is that it brings me back to how I was before. When I was chasing after him. I don't want to be the desperate one again. Please don't make me be that girl again.

I think I love too much. I love too hard. I don't know if anybody will love me as much as I love them. And I love him so so so much. I don't know if he understands that. And I don't know if he feels the same. I hope more than anything that he does.

I'm so tired of having to push not just him but everyone around me. I thought he was the one person who didn't see me that way. But maybe that can change. I hope he can realize that I need him. I need him more than so many things.

Like I said above, I knew it would end. But only if he made it end. He doesn't know it, but he's ending it. It won't be over today. Or next week. But it will end because he's taking it that way. Ironic that the only thing he directs is the impending end of things. I hope beyond hope that he'll change things. I don't want it to end. I love him and I don't want to lose him. But if things don't change, I don't see any other way of things to go. I need him. I need him to bring a little more. Just a little every day would change things. I love him. I love the glimpses I get of his passion. Just under the surface. I just hope that passion will be given to me someday. Someday soon.

I love him.

I hope he loves me.

But I don't know if that's too much to ask.

Does He Know?

No, he didn't know that with every movement my shoulder throbbed with pain. He didn't know that yesterday I shuddered with pain whenever I had to move a certain way while marching. He didn't know that I wanted so badly to get an ice pack but didn't want to leave the field. He didn't know that I didn't want to tell him because I knew it would just sound like whining. He didn't know that the pain escalated all through today.

He didn't know all of that when he hugged me today.

Did he know he was hurting me?

I don't know.

My Happy List

I decided to make a list of songs that make me want to dance. That make me wanna sing along and maybe even play along with my instruments. Perhaps I can hope that my happy songs will make you people out there happy too.


We could all use a little more happy in our lives.


1. (Your love keeps lifting me) Higher and Higher - Jackie Wilson
2. A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More "Touch Me" - Fallout Boy
3. Ain't That The Way It Always Ends - Tim McGraw
4. Baba O'Riley - The Who
5. Born To Be Wild - Steppenwolf
6. Brown Eyed Girl - Van Morrison
7. Callin' Baton Rouge - Garth Brooks
8. Cheeseburger in Paradise - Jimmy Buffet
9. Chelsea Dagger - The Fratelli's
10. Crocodile Rock - Elton John
11. Dirty Little Secret - All-American Rejects
12. Do It - Spice Girls
13. For The Girl - The Fratelli's
14. Here's Tae the Blackwatch - Back of the Moon
15. I Got A Woman - Ray Charles
16. It's Not Unusual - Tom Jones
17. Jungle Boogie - Kool & The Gang
18. Land of 1000 Dances - Wilson Pickett
19. Let It Roll - Little Feat
20. One Love - Jason Mraz
21. Pump It - Black Eyed Peas
22. Shake Your Groove Thing - Peaches & Herb
23. Sweet Home Alabama - Lynyrd Skynyrd
24. Takin' It To The Streets - Doobie Brothers
25. The Hampsterdance Song - Hampton The Hamster
26. The Lady is a Tramp - Tony Bennett
27. Three Little Birds - Bob Marley & The Wailers
28. ummm... something about a park? By Chicago? Maybe?
29. Walk This Way - Aerosmith
30. Where's The Love - Hanson
31. You Feel The Same Way Too - The Rankin Family
32. You Make Me Feel Like Dancing - Carmen Carter & Donnie McClurken

Happy Listening! If you people can't find any of these songs and you want them, let me know and I'll send them to you post haste. ASAP. Promptly.

Who Needs Sports?

I speak for my people, meaning the uncoordinated, non-depth-perceptive people, when I say that there are oppurtunities to sports. After being hit in the face too many times with various sports equipment I realized there must be another way to incorporate fitness activities into my life. And thus I discovered the magic of band.

I was not a fat girl before band. Nor was I skinny. I was a little on the pudge side of things, but not unhappy with my appearance. Nearly two years and at least 15 pounds lighter I have a message. Bari sax saved my waistline. Sure, you might be asking how is that possible, but come on. The thing weighs 15 pounds outside the case, nearly 45 in the case, and I tote it all over the city, and march around with it for hours on end.

Normal people, or even people who do sports regularly, would not be able to handle what I do at band for even an hour. In layman's terms, I'm a beast. You should see my band injuries and my band muscles. My right bicep is envied by many a sports-failing young person.

Not to sound self-centered, but I love my sax, and I love what it's done for me. You people with little instruments or people who aren't in band at all have no idea. I'd like to see you do my job. As I've said before, it's INTENSE!!

Fiction part TWO!

So the girl went on, and she thought the same sad, depressing little thoughts and pitied herself greatly. But it was one day that she almost snapped. All day things had gone exactly as routine, and at the very end, when she was the only one left cleaning up, she was rather angry. "Why do I even bother? What's the point?" All in all, she was very much displeased and was almost ready to just go off and explode. Or do something else irrational. But then he came up behind her, crouched down just a bit.
"Hey, I'm leaving, see you tomorrow," and he kissed the top of her head oh so gently (although still quickly) and she was content. She quickly got herself together enough to say quietly "oh, bye," but as soon as he walked away she sighed in happiness. So what if she didn't have the same boyfriend as the ones on tv that are all over them every second of the day? Just for those tiny little moments that made her feel like the world was just right, she would stay with him forever, living for the small things.

C'est la vie.

Fiction!! (ish)

She looks at him across the huge room, people surrounding both of them. She watched him a lot, actually, although not once did she ever catch him looking back. Not that she minded, he was awfully busy as she knew. She knew he was an important guy there. As she blew her too-long bangs out of her face, she looked back down to her music. Not that she needed to check it. She knew it so well she sang it in the shower, for god's sakes.
He was deep in conversation with his friend, the girl next to him. Not that she was jealous. Not at all, she wasn't the kind of girl who would get upset with her boyfriend for being around other girls. Not in the least. She even got annoyed by her friends who were like that. She watched as he playfully tapped her arm. She would've paid money for that to be her.
But she went back to her music, delving deeper and deeper into making the loudest, best sound possible until she didn't even think about him at all. About an hour later they met together in the hall, chaos reining all around. People were walking back and forth, laughing, talking. They also were talking. She made good conversation, but when she stared into his eyes listening to what he had to say, all she could think was that she just wanted to put her arms around him, lay her head on his shoulder and listen to him breathe. But that never happens. They come back, week after week, repeating the same cycle. She watches, listens, hopes, but her hope must stand until the next time. "Maybe this time he'll pick up on my hints. Maybe."
Even when it was just them. No one around for miles, perhaps on a bridge or walking down a deserted street. She loved hearing him talk and so she talked back, but the whole time she watched his moving lips thinking "I just want to kiss them for ever and ever. Or at least until we have to go home," and she could have gone for it. She could have taken his hand, pulled him really close, shut her eyes and just let it happen. He would have gotten it then. But she never did. Not once.

This is what she thought as she sat beside him, just their ankles touching beneath the table. This is what she thought as she hugged him from behind. As she rested on his back during a one-time only piggy-back ride. As she looked at him from across the room. Perhaps one day she would get up the nerve to do what she desired to do, but for now she would be fine with talking. Just talking.

Titanic!

I watched Titanic yesterday and I have to say, it is the saddest movie EVER. Only two movies have ever made me actually cry, Titanic being one of them. And let me tell you, I am not the crying kind of girl usually.

The other movie that was sad enough to bring me to tears was "Stepmom" which I only saw half of and was still incredibly moved by the end. I would highly suggest it.

If you are a movie-cryer, beware of Love Story as well. Apparently it was the saddest movie of the 70's. My mom still almost cries when she hears the theme song from it. I haven't seen it yet, but I think I will certainly have to rent it sometime.

The NEW Me

I had a bit of a wakeup call recently. I realized that I'm really quite satisfied with myself as a person. I have lots of friends, an amazing boyfriend, and I'm really good at saxophone (music in general) and I'm pretty good at school, in general. That's all fine and dandy, sure. I could be ok staying the way I am for a long time, maybe forever. I could stay the Kim that doesn't really piss people off, who doesn't get in anybody's way, who tries her hardest to be agreeable to everything and to just get by without making a scene. But the thing is, what if I would be happier as a different Kim?

So I decided I need to make some big changes. The way that I am, I'm getting by without acheiving my goals to be a leader and teach people what comes naturally to me. I'm so afraid of being bossy and controlling because I know I've had problems with that in the past, that I'm not even willing to speak up when I hear or see something obviously wrong. So now I'm going to be courageous and just go for it. So what if some people get annoyed? It's better to try and see it doesn't work than to be too afraid to even go there. I'm too indifferent about everything. Maybe I need to be a little more intense to get my point across.

I complain a lot about people not seeing, appreciating or noticing me, but in truth, I know that it's my responsibility to make a change and MAKE them see me. It's my responsibility to make things happen for me. Recognition and privilege may be handed to some people, but I guess I'm one of those people that'll have to work my ass off to get it. That seems weird to me, because this is kind of the first thing I've ever been forced to put an effort into. Before this, everything's just kind of come naturally. School, easy. Music, easy. Friendship, moderately easy. I can get by without putting any work into anything.

So here's to the new me. I want so badly to change. But I really don't know where to start. Being the awesome friends you people are, if you have any help for me, please offer it because I don't know what I'm doing.

Rest of my life: Not so easy.

Driving on the Open Road

It occured to me, driving down the highway between some random prairie town and my grandparents' house that highway driving is really very monotonous. All you have to do is stay between the lines and keep a constant speed of 110 (or cheating 120 if your parents don't notice and no one is around you). Fairly straightforward (ooooh, two meanings). Personally, I enjoy the ambience of classic rock or similiar music. Singing along also makes my mom nervous. And my brother and dad sleepy, but that's not the point. Don't get me wrong, I love driving high speed through the country side, but it wouldn't hurt to be a little less dull. City driving you have the added bonus of lane changes and traffic lights. Can you imagine the intensity??

Anyways, yeah. That was what I did today. I drove a minivan. Yay.

TMNT?

Have you ever wondered about the thought process that led to the creation of "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"? I mean, how whacked out would you have to be. Here's my interpretation of how that went.

Person A: Guys, we need a new idea for a tv show. The market is high and so are we.

Person B: Ok, the characters are teenagers, cause what other group of viewers has this much time to watch tv? So we've got that.

Person C: And they should be ninjas!! Yeah, ninjas are cool. Hi-Yah!

Person D: But hasn't teenage ninjas already been done? It's not cutting edge enough... What issues are going to confront these teenage ninjas? What differentiates them from other teenage ninjas?

A: Yes, it does seem a little mainstream.

C: Mutants!! Mutants are awesome!!

B: Ok, fine. They're now teenage mutant ninjas. Good enough?

D: I'm going to be cynical again and say that it's still too predictable. I mean, it's rather obvious. How else are your average teenagers going to become ninjas? Be taught by a giant rat? No, of course they're mutants.

A: But what kind of mutants? Aren't mutants supposed to look weird or be socially repellant? Yeah, any mutants I know aren't stealthy enough to be ninjas.

B: So what kind of physical or mental anomaly should these teenage mutant ninjas have?

C: TURTLES!!! I love turtles! All..... turtley and whatnot.

D: It's a little out there, but I can dig it. Any other ideas? Teenage mutant ninja turtles... sounds like something we could make some dough off of. B, you call the boss to set up a presentation meeting.

B: Sure. Next business, what should we have for lunch?

C: Sandwiches! Now who doesn't like a good sandwich? Sandwiches are soooo cool. I wanna be a sandwich.

*brief awkward silence*

A: Shut up C. You're a moron.

Back to the Blog!!

I have nothing to write. Other than I realized that I wrote a ridiculous amount in January and almost none in February and now in March! This must change. Also, my last few blogs have been really quite depressing. I'm not that much of a whiny, down person. Really, I'm not. I'm a happy, perky person! Almost a little bipolar in that way... Except I don't punch people. Not that that has anything to do with anything.

Song writing!! I'm in a rut. I have nothing but crap, corny lyrics and only a part of one good song. Although it's quite the downer, being about homelessness and all.

Best boyfried in the whole world! I know some of you (coughameliacough) doubt my capacity for a good, lasting relationship. BUT I have proved you people wrong again, and again, and again, and lately, again again. Got the point? But yeah. So, as you could tell by my last two posts, I was really really down earlier this week, but now I'm much better. And you wanna know who's the cause of that? (well, the main one. you other good friends helped too). It was my most amazing, most excellent, most wonderful, compassionate, caring boyfriend, Nico. When no one else could really make me feel better, he made a point of being there for me. I can't imagine what I would have done without him. I think this might be what people sing about in crappy love songs that make single people pissed and 13 year old girls who date high school boys swoon. I don't want to be one to brag, but I am the luckiest girl in the world right about now and I hope it stays that way.

Lose Myself

Sorry for yet another depressing post for you people, but I just watched an Eminem video and now I'm saddish. And now for the worry! In free-verse poem format, ooooooh. (for those of you less educated than I, that means no, rhythm, no rhyme, no rules)

Why do you suppose I'm me?
I know, but do you?
Does anyone really know me?
Or do they just see what's in front of me?
I'm stuck in the background
I guess
It's not who you are
But what you accomplish
What have I accomplished in this world?
People don't know
They only know when I lack it

I'm scared

Of becoming nothing but a relative
Nothing but his girlfriend, her friend
Stuck in the background
I don't know where to go
If I lost it, what would I be?
If deafness falls upon my ears, blindness upon my life
Of becoming normal
Losing my edge
My music, my talent
My self

I'm sorry

For validating myself by you
For following, not leading
For being confused
For distracting
For being so high maintenance
That I take your time, make it my own, just because I need you
For making you read this sad poem.


[Ok, that's it. I'm actually not even that sad, but it's just good to let it out sometimes. Besides, the disorganization of free-verse is so... freeing. Anyways, back to optimism! Oh, and feel free to decipher the bold and italic words. Not that they mean anything in particular.]

Envy - The Sweetest Sin

Today was blocking camp at band, and I did really well I think. Nine times out of ten I was right on my dot, I knew where I was going next, and my music sounded perfect too. I was pretty darn happy with myself. That was, until the great green monster of jealousy reared its ugly head. I won't name names, not that it matters as he never reads this anyway, but I'm in a moral dilemma here. I love this person so very much, more than I thought was possible a while ago, but I get so jealous of him sometimes that it hurts.
I just wish people would see me as they see him. I KNOW I can do just as good. I KNOW I'm a good marcher and an even better musician. Hell, I might even be a stronger musician than him, but it doesn't matter if I am. I just want people to know who I am and what I can do. But the thing is, you might be thinking "just put yourself out there more!" but I do the best I can being stuck at the very back of the field the whole time, away from my section. I do the best I can marching the most difficult instrument to march. But I just can't shine as much as him. He gets to play above the whole band, all the staff know who he is cause they always have compliments for him, but I just blend in the background because that's who I'm MEANT to be. Sure, I love watching him in the spotlight, and I love that he gets all those privileges, but you see, I just want my turn. I sound like a spoiled three year old, but that's what I think.
And the worst part is, that I wouldn't even mind quite as much that no one else knows who I am and what I can do, but even he doesn't see it. He keeps saying that we're equal and all, but I'm so worried that he doesn't actually believe it. After all, he never gets to see me at my best, or at all.
I love him and his music and his marching, but I just wish he would love my music too. After all, I'm nothing without it.

PS: If you (meaning you, who I love so much but feel so unequal to sometimes) are reading this, don't take this to mean that I'm mad at you. I'm more mad at myself. Sure, sometimes it bothers me the way you are, but much more often I love everything about you and without you I guess I don't even know what I'd do. Although, I don't even know why I'm writing this 'cause you never read this anyways (also, not mad about that, I know it's just the kind of person you are)

How I Get By

It seems everyone around me is collapsing under the pressure and stress of life. They're just squeezing by, and it scares the bejeezus out of me that I can't help them at all. Thinking about this made me think, just how do I get by without feeling like that too? Like everything's just piling up and nothing has a point anymore?

It's always concerned me that I don't get worked up about the same things other people do. Others freak out about homework, school grades, extracurriculars, I freak out about friendships, and how people see me (and how I see them). For instance, other people freak about how school is controlling their life. I don't. The way I do it is that I always have something to look forward to. For instance, this past week things could have been really tough. Homework piled up on me from every angle, I was having problems with the new marching for the show, and it was just pretty tough. But all week I was looking forward to last night, the CRUB dance. It's pretty weird that something that straightforward can keep me calm all week. And I know I might be the only person around that can get by like that, but it's just the way I work.

What sucks though is that whenever people get really messed up and depressed and they come to me, I don't know how to empathize with them. And so that really frustrates me cause I can't exactly tell people in their hour of need "sorry, I don't get depressed. can't help ya there!" Because I really DO want to help, I just have no idea how!

I'm so messed up...

And the awful truth hits...

Wow, I haven't posted on here in forever! If you were wondering, Mexico was hot, had good food, but was rather boring after the first week and a half. Now onto what I actually want to write about.

Ok, so yesterday was the sunday of the first blocking camp. Fast drill, big step sizes, slides from hell, the list goes on. But it came to my attention that perhaps I need to work on my marching as I'm a little rough. Hell, last year I was pretty awful at marching. So I got on my treadmill with my bari, played a couple notes, and realized that I really couldn't tell what my feet were doing but I had the awful sensation that it wasn't good. My tone was crap while moving too. This worried me. So, taking a leaf from the serious sports people, I grabbed the video camera. I set it on the accordion case next to the treadmill and fired 'er up. I marched fast, slow, and did sliding too (ouch). But then I had to watch the video. And let me say I am sorely dissapointed in myself. I am such a crappy marcher I don't even know what to do with myself. The most severe problems are:

• Toes are not high enough!!
• Lose tone and control (and volume to some extent) while marching, especially sliding)
• Upper body is whacked during sliding
• Can't tongue sixteenth notes accurately (as if this will come into use...)
• Upper body shifts while playing fast passages (again, few and far between but still a concern)
• It just sucks. Period.

Although I have to say, I'm in time constantly. Right on the beat, even. And that's something, I guess. Still, this week has now been renamed: "Catch up on homework and march my butt off" week. After all, I'm a captain. I can't suck this bad.

Is That So Difficult?

You would think I'd have the willpower to stay out of other peoples' business. It wouldn't be that hard, I'd just have to find something else to occupy myself with, but no. I just had to get involved and stay involved and make a big mess of things and be a huge idiot. I think my life needs to be more interesting so that I don't feel like I have to meddle in others' affairs (or lack thereof). Sometimes I hate myself for that bad habit of mine. Definitely something to work on.

Another thing! You would think it wouldn't be that difficult to have a serious discussion with someone very close to you about some very important concerns. But being the emotionally retarded person I am, this simple task somehow grows into this horrible thing I can't even think of, let alone accomplish. Cause I don't think we'll make it too much longer if we don't discuss some things, but I don't see how I can bring that up. I'm not very good at sorting out my OWN difficulties.

Something about this seems a little messed up...

Reflections on Leadership

Sounds like a corny self-help book doesn't it? Anyways, I was thinking about leadership. Namely, my band leadershipness (cool word, I know.) You should know, I'm saxophone captain so I have lots to do when it comes to stuff like that. I have one of the larger sections in the band and since it's really one giant section I get to do more cause we're always together.
Captain is a new position for our band. We didn't have them last year, so this time around we really have no idea what we're supposed to do. So far it's been pretty varied throughout the band. I do a lot, currently. I suggest a lot of things for the section, and this weekend I almost got to lead a tenor/bari sectional, but then Dave did woodwind ensemble, so we ran out of time. Disapointing, I know. I did get to do a tenor sectional at grade seven band camp when I was a student leader (even though I was just teaching them how to play D)

In brass, they were recently notified that SL's and captains can't give out pushups or any other kind of discipline. But us woodwinds still can! Although I don't like to unless it's absolutely necessary. My guidelines are the offence has to involve:

• Damage to an instrument or person
• Persistent disruption of a rehearsal
• Complete lack of respect to a leadership person, whether that be staff or student

So you can see, I don't give pushups out very often. So far, only ten to a guy who knocked a stand over onto another person's sax, where it made a rather large dent. That was yesterday, by the way.

I'm very much enjoying having the large amount of freedom I have in my role, because I'm pretty much allowed to do whatever I want, because the woodwind staff trust my judgement. And later in the year I'll be able to do even more on the field and off, as the saxes get to know me better. And maybe I can even make the tenors pay attention more in sectionals. Unlikely, I know.

Cheese on a stick!!

You Know What Sucks??

Ok, I was listening to the B.O.C. CD after band camp yesterday and thinking "wow, it's like bari saxes don't even exist." And then I thought about how they always conveniently "forget" to mention the bari's in full ensemble and even woodwind ensemble. They always forget about our part and we have to figure out when to play whenever we have the same line, and it just sucks that nobody even considers us. We can play everything just perfect and it's "oh yeah, and bari's were playing too."

And you wanna know why nobody ever sees us or appreciates us?? It's cause we're optional! Do you have any idea how awful it feels to be expendable? Bari's were never intended to march, so it's extra hard for us. They were never intended to have marching parts written for us, but we play them anyway! We do an awesome job at stuff, but no one cares, do they?? NO, they don't. It's like, "tubas, good job on that bass line." Where's our reassurance? Nowhere! I'm so tired of hearing everyone else praised for doing an excellent job but we might do even better, consistently and no one even cares or notices. I mean, I know I'm doing a good job, but it wouldn't hurt to hear it sometimes, you know?

Although, right now, I know I have to do the best job possible at the music and marching, and an even better job at the leadership stuff, cause although no one's gonna hear me or consider the bari's or anything, behind the scenes work does make a difference.

Rise of the unappreciated!

R.I.P Optimism

What's wrong with being happy? Just a question. It seems like everyone right now is getting so wrapped up in their problems and difficulties that they lose any youthful optimism they may have had. Every two seconds it seems somebody's feeling pissed or depressed, and the whole thing can be rather wearing for optimists like myself.
I'm not saying being happy ALL the time is a good thing, because it's not. That's just creepy. But people should definitely perk up a bit and realize the good things all around them. For example, this evening I was driving through downtown and I realized just how incredibly beautiful the city is. It's the little things that make life fantastic, and people need to cheer up. I know stuff's tough right now, and we all have our problems, but it wouldn't hurt to not have people smack me regularly for being "too damned perky!!"

On a totally unrelated note, musicals are awesome. Grease and Moulin Rouge are two of the best movies EVER. Right up there with the original star wars (see a previous post on the matter).

So Very, Very Nervous

I am soooooooooo infinite times a billion o's nervous about my audition tomorrow. I really hope I do well. I know I can play my songs perfect cause I practiced so much this week, but the question is, will I be able to play them perfect tomorrow in front of judge type people. I'm also nervous about my scales because I can play them and all, but I mess up sometimes if I forget which scale I'm actually playing. That sounds dumb, but too bad. It's true.
I'm not worried about my bari stuff, cause I love my bari and it would never let me down, but the alto stuff kinda makes me wanna hurt myself.

My audition is at 3:15 tomorrow and I really, really hope I do well. Not just ok or well, actually. I hope I do really, really good. Because I know that the other people auditioning may have years more experience than me (I've only been playing for 3 years) and they've probly practiced far more than me and they're just gonna be a whole lot better. But it's really important that I make it into this program. Ahhhh, what to do, what to do. I should be practicing right now, but my mouth is dead and I don't want to ruin my playing abilities for tomorrow.

Stupid Moments of the Day

A brief list of bizarre, smewhat random things people said throughout the day:

• Va-JJ!!
• Drugs? Did someone say drugs?
• I LOVE drugs!!
• Wait, nadukuflu or geuder?
• Trumpemasex!
• So I immediately thought of trombooba,
• You could be hot. You're all ratio'ed out
• Yeah, well I've got a va-PP

Those are just the ones I remember, too. I think I should write these down more often.

PVA! And Another Special Band Moment

And that doesn't mean the type of glue.
Recently I was standing in gym and talking to Cat, who randomly asks me, "So, have you got in your application for PVA yet? It's due today." And of course, I had not even started, thinking I had plenty of time. So the next three classes were spent hurriedly panicking and rushing through filling out forms and various interview questions such as, "what do you think the school of performing and visual arts can offer you?"
Needless to say, I didn't get work done in science that day. But I somehow managed to finish the whole thing AND get my mom to show up at the school to take my application and drop it off at Central by 3:30, the deadline. I was pretty darn impressed with myself, actually, as most of my friends took weeks to write their IB forms. And hour and a half must be some kind of record.
Unfortunately, the process is not over. Now I need to prepare and perform an audition piece of my choosing on my saxophone that showcases my abilities. I've picked the only classical piece I know, Henry Eccles Sonata for Alto Sax and Piano. But I'll just be doing the sax part, sans piano. Its been tough work practicing those darned sixteenth notes (random staccato slur pattern!!) but I'm confident that I'll be able to do well by next monday (my audition day).
Us bass people shouldn't be expected to play sixteenth notes. It's just not fair. (Although really fun if you can get them right)

I just recently remembered yet another special, meaningful band memory.
When we were packing up the instruments and equipment before tour all the instruments smaller than a trombone (or tenor sax) had to be packed into large boxes to take on the plane. I had box number one, so mine was the demo box. The whole band was sitting with their instrument and I was standing up front with my box next to Jason while he called up all the people whose instruments I'd be taking care of. I had a trumpet, horn, clarinet and 5 flutes in my box (42 pounds, I think it was). Every time someone handed over their case I could see the worry in their faces. "Will it be ok?" "Will something bad happen to it and I won't be able to play it?" "What if the box breaks and it gets lost?" And eventually acceptance as the box was sealed up and packed away. I felt so bad for these people who wouldn't see their most precious piece of baggage again until they reached Denmark. It all seemed so poetic and meaningful, and I sympathized for the people with small instruments greatly, but I didn't really get it until I had to hand over my bari to one of the colorguard guys, Joe. I didn't want to let go, but when I did he heaved it away from me and carried it above his head towards the truck. I wanted to go over there, retrieve my poor baby and punch the bejeezus out of him. But all I could manage was, "Be careful!!" and I sat down again, biting my lip in anxiety.

Math Class Woes

You know what makes me angry? When people in my math class ask stupid questions. The teacher just spent 10 minutes telling us what a conjugate is and as soon as she gives us a problem somebody turns around and says, "Kim, what's a conjugate?"
If you hadn't guessed, I'm in math right now. And just for the record, the conjugate of... Wait a minute, I can't write a square root sign. Oh well, now sq means root.

sq5 + sq2 conjugate is sq5 - sq2

Get it? Now stop asking stupid questions!!!

Channeling the Jo-meister

I know you'll hate me for titling it that, Josi, but too bad. You used my quiz, I'm gonna use your summarized version of the day. It was a cool idea, and fun to read, and I feel like it. Not that I had an interesting day, but whatever.

• Hmm... breakfast or shower first?
• Aaahhh! Who turned on the dishwasher??
• Oh no, can I talk on the phone and get dressed at the same time?
• Do I end every sentence with a question mark?
• Aw, he is the most adorable guy on this planet
• Crap, is breakfast really breakfast after noon...
• Dang, now I have to go to curling and be yelled at for two hours
• YES!!! My skip (leader type person) isn't here!!
• Ow! My butt! Jeez, note to self: Ice is slippery
• Well, we lost, but we won by default anyways. Yay for mediocrity!
• Alright, I can have anything I want for dinner since my parents are going out... what should I have...
• TV DINNER!
• Yum
• Well, everyone else has tons of comments on their blogs. I have zero. Oh well, now I don't even have to try being interesting! People don't read this thing anyway!
• Maybe I should write a thing like Josi's...

And that brings us up to this moment. I like being lame. It opens up more oppurtunities for things to write about. Low expectations are rather freeing, you know. No pressure.

Yet Another Piece of That Story I'm Gonna Write

A few days after the first “incident,” He and I were sitting out in the back field, staring at the clouds floating across the topaz sky. We only had a few minutes before reality would call us back again, so He and I lay on the brown, dead, prickly grass trying to gather as much of the cold winter air as possible. I brushed my hair out of my eyes, the wind having pulled it across my face. A few seconds later it did so again and He reached over and tugged the offending strands behind my ear. I smiled lightly to show my appreciation. We continued to watch the puffy specters of the sky above us, but my mind was on how dead and listless the ground below me was. Just a few months ago it was full of life, bursting with overwhelming energy. Everywhere you looked something was growing, whether it was the simple act of grass sprouting from the dry earth or a tiny spider emerging from an even more miniscule egg. I missed that so much. I reached for His hand, which far dwarfed my tiny one. Somehow I think He understood what I was thinking and we both continued watching the clouds. With my other hand I could feel the brittle grass under me, but I longed for it to be soft and supple, for its life to somehow be lent to me. I lifted my hand to brush my face, even though the wind had ceased. When my hand returned to the ground I felt what I was imagining. I turned my head to look in His direction and he did the same, facing me. He squeezed my hand, and my eyes jumped from his blue ones, watching me, to the greenness all around us. I sat up slowly, looking around. The entire field was like a little piece of summer. I could almost feel the things sprouting underground, ready to take root above the surface. I closed my eyes, inhaling the sweet smell of dandelions, and released my hand from His grasp, in an attempt to run all of my fingers through the damp ground. But the summer was simply a momentary lapse in reality. As soon as my hand touched the earth, it was hard and frozen once more. The first harsh breath I took bit at my lungs, making me want to get up and run away from this place. I opened my eyes to look at Him. I saw a solitary sigh escape His lips, and I stood to return to where we had come from. The clouds no longer seemed so wondrous.

[Comments welcome!! Which piece do you like the best so far? Please tell, cause I'm thinking of only using one idea]

Random Paragraphs I Wrote When No One Was Online

[I don't usually write things for fun, but today I was really bored and wanted to get a feel for a story I might write. Comments welcome, although I know my writing isn't exactly nobel prize work. Note: The two paragraphs are in no way in a consequent order, so its best to imagine them as seperate pieces of writing]


I sat across from Him on the brown couch, thinking about what I had just heard. If it was true, my abilities would defy not only logic but physics. He sat rigidly over there, apparently deep in thought, much like myself. He was staring into the corner, though, not looking around the room, as I was. Skeptical, I closed my eyes, held my hand in front of me and imagine the first thing that came into my mind. Fire. I thought of its heat warming my palm, I thought of the bright light that I might see if I were to look upon a ball of fire like I could see in my mind’s eye. I moved my fingers slightly, visualizing my fire ball revolving with them. The heat was almost tactile upon my bare skin, and I thought it was pretty amazing I could trick myself that way. It wasn’t until I heard Him speak under his breath, a tone of awe and amazement alighting across his lips.
“Holy crap. You cannot be doing that.” I opened my eyes slowly, feeling heaviness like that of having just awoken from a deep sleep. Once my vision cleared I was aware of the glowing ball of fire just above my outstretched hand. A strangled scream escaped from my throat as I realized the burning sensation that was now painfully clear. I jerked my hand away from the flames licking at my fingers and the entire mass of flame disappeared in a puff of smoke. My eyes caught His and we both spent a minute alternately blinking and stuttering, trying to verbalize our disbelief. I eventually stood and walked out of the room, wiping soot from my palm.

Laying in the water I felt so relaxed, the waves rolling over my entire body. When I submerged my head the ocean played with my hair, wrapping it around myself like a blanket. Its ebony surface sparkled beneath the surface. I wove my fingers through the sand, feeling every grain pass over my nails, not a single one getting caught beneath them. I knew that later my hair and skin would be caked with salty residue, but for the moment the water felt smooth and soft as satin. Without looking I knew He was beside me, just beyond reach, floating in tandem with me. I gazed upon the sky, blue as a robin’s egg above me, and I turned my head to observe His perfect form, eyes shut lightly, as though in a dream, grass-green water playing across his tanned body. I shut my eyes as well, and sank beneath the air, feeling my back upon the sun-warmed sand. Even with the world I was familiar with only a few inches above me, I felt as though I was at the bottom of a giant crevasse, miles of dark blue water above me, fish swimming all around, although unseen by my closed eyes. The pressure built around my body pressing my arms to the sand so I couldn’t move them, my legs trapped beneath the water. My lungs were imploding, calling for the air to which they were so accustomed. I wanted to scream in agony, in the hopes that someone would be able to free me from my prison, whether it was not even a foot or several thousand below the waves. Unable to move, I forced myself to open my eyes, no longer simply closed in a relaxed state. I could see blue, but it was the blue of His eyes, staring into mine through the water. The salt burned my eyes, but I couldn’t tear myself away from His gaze. He grasped my hand, prying it away from the sand and forced me to reach into the air, above the surface. As soon as I broke away from staring into his eyes, to glancing to my hand, which was now in the air above, the spell was broken and I exploded out of the ocean into the air, sitting up and gasping for breath. I ran my hand over the sand, still just under me. I looked to Him, and he had not moved, he was still laying in the waves, eyes closed to the world below and above the surface.

Yet Another Quiz. This One Involves Music

The following is a chain email I was sent, and I thought it was pretty cool so I put it on here. My ipod has a lot of weird stuff on it as it turns out...

"For this to work, you have to set your iPod (or mp3 player, computer, or whatever else you use to listen to music) on shuffle. The first song it plays will be the answer to question one, the second song answers question two, and so on. Send this to your contacts, including the person who sent it to you.

1. How am I feeling today? Poor Boy - Supertramp [Well, that's interesting, I don't feel poor...]

2. Will I get far in life? Heavy and Leaving - Corb Lund Band [This song's actually about... well, leaving home, so I guess that says something]

3. How do my friends see me? They Don't Like Me - Lyle Lovett [I think that says it all, hahahahahaha. I hope not]

4. What is my best friend's theme song? She's No Lady - Lyle Lovett [What's with all the Lyle Lovett? But this song's about somebody's wife, and how she's a mean wife, which does fit my close-to-best friend...]

5. What is the story of my life? Bridge Over Troubled Waters - Eva Cassidy [awww, that's sad. But this song's about hope and how people are gonna be there to help you through the hard times, so that's ok]

6. What was high school like? Cross-Eyed Mary - Jethro Tull [I haven't been to high school yet, but I hope it has as cool of a flute part]

7. How can I get ahead in life? Morning Train - David Francey [This song's about faith, and how everyone's riding one of the religion trains. I wonder what that means?]

8. What is the best thing about me? D'yer Mak'er - Led Zeppelin [I honestly haven't the faintest idea what this song is about]

9. What was today like? Runaway - John Hiatt

10. What is in store for this weekend? The Last Chance Texaco - Rickie Lee Jones [Maybe last chance to get my homework done...]

11. What song describes my parents? Keep Talking - Pink Floyd [haha]

12. How is my life going? Roughest Neck Around - Corb Lund Band [Apparently the fates think my life is going pretty hard, eh?]

13. What song will they play at my funeral? Settle For Love - Joe Ely [Never mind that I have no idea who Joe Ely is or why the heck he's on my ipod... But at least the song's about not settling for just romance, or pickup lines, or any of that other crap, but settling for love. yay for corniness]

14. How does the world see me? Round & Round - Bonnie Raitt [Note the last verse... "Baby don't be jealous When I come to town I'm just a country girl Everybody's tryin to push poor me around"]

15. Will I have a happy life? All Through The Night - Div. Kunstnere [What the hell? Christmas song?]

16. What do my friends really think of me? The Song is Over - The Who [Ooooh, deep song]

17. Do people secretly lust after me? J'ai Fait Tout - Emmylou Harris [I have to do something? What? And the chorus is "nobody loves you like I do. Hmmm...]

18. How can I make myself happy? What Am I Gonna Do?(I'm So In Love With You) - Rod Stewart [Ew, Rod Stewart. But I may have some idea what that means for my life...]

19. What should I do with my life? Red-Winged Blackbird - James Keelaghan [Love this song! Such memories... No idea what it means though]

20. Will I ever have children? Sitting On Top Of The World - Amanda Marshall [Judging by the number of times she says 'baby' in this song...]

21. What will you name them? Don't Want To Know - Blackie and The Rodeo Kings [haha, that's a good one]

22. Who will you marry? Alison - Brandon Boyd [Well, that would require some life changes...]

23. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Beware of The Man Who Calls You Bro - Doug Cox & Sam Hurrie [Nico, don't call me bro]

24. How will you die? Just A Habit - Built To Spill [Ummm, ok]"

Band Politics

I was washing dishes and thinking about band and some things occured to me. People that aren't in band (not school band, I'm talking marching) and people that are new to the band can't possibly imagine the emotional things that come with the organization. I can remember one occasion that's stuck pretty clearly in my mind.
The evening I was named low woodwinds captain was one of the best I've experienced with the band, definitely the best this year. However, the drama attached to the leadership positions isn't easy to forget. On that night I was heading to the gym to join the rest of the band after our leadership team powwow, and I stopped into the bathroom briefly. I closed the door, and I heard someone else in the room, but they were crying. I didn't want to go out and have to be awkward around them, so I hurried out to wash my hands. While I was drying them the person I had heard earlier came out, wiped away the tears, smoothed her clothes and set off up the stairs looking as if nothing had happened. This small experience changed my opinions on my captain position drastically. Now, I know the story behind this girl's experience, and its very different from mine. It's important to me that I do my best to make it better for people in the band, even though sometimes its best that I just stay in the background.
The band's a fantastic experience, but sometimes it just gets to you. I hope I can eliminate that as much as possible this year.

Random Self-Survey

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name: Kim Rose __________ (You're not getting my last name outta me)
Birthday: December 17th
Birthplace: Alberta, Canada
Current Location: See above
Eye Color: Brown as brown is brown. And more brown.
Hair Color: Brown... etc.
Height: 5'5 (and 7/8)
Right Handed or Left Handed: Right, although sometimes I feel like left
Your Heritage: German and Dutch and English and Scottish/Irish and probably some more stuff too.
The Shoes You Wore Today: Shoes? Who would wear shoes on holiday?
Your Weakness: Music! I'll blow off anything just to go play some tunes
Your Fears: Loneliness, being a bad leader/friend/person in general. Not having control over stuff
Your Perfect Pizza: Whatever stuff they put on the Hawaiin pizzas from the place right near my house
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: Not be totally neurotic
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: Probably "yay!"
Thoughts First Waking Up: Can I get out of bed without disturbing the cat?
Your Best Physical Feature: My hair, if I don't mess it up
Your Bedtime: Whenever my mom wants to go to bed and tells me to so she can go to sleep
Your Most Missed Memory: Tour! Waking up everyday to another day full of music and being with my closest friends
Pepsi or Coke: Ew, neither, I don't drink pop. It makes my nose hurt
MacDonalds or Burger King: Can I pick A&W?
Single or Group Dates: My experience in the matter is limited, but single was pretty fun
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Ummm... what?
Chocolate or Vanilla: That's a tie between vanilla and white chocolate. Either one is totally scrumptious.
Cappuccino or Coffee: Not coffee, and I don't know what a cappuccino tastes like. Probably better than coffee.
Do you Smoke: Never have, never will
Do you Swear: Occasionally
Do you Sing: ALL THE TIME!! It's what I do when I don't have a band instrument in my hands
Do you Shower Daily: Whenever I can
Have you Been in Love: I think so... depends what love is.
Do you want to go to College: Or university. Either one. Unless I make it big and become a big music star, that is.
Do you want to get Married: If I didn't, what would be the use of planning my dream wedding? (Yeah, I did that)
Do you belive in yourself: Yeah, I do
Do you get Motion Sickness: Oh yeah, at Stampede I had to spend 2 hours in the big four building basement sipping water after only 3 rides.
Do you think you are Attractive: Depends what day it is
Are you a Health Freak: No way, today I had cold pizza, a drumstick (the ice cream kind) and a nanaimo bar for supper (true, usually I'm way more healthy than that, but whatever
Do you get along with your Parents: Most of the time.
Do you like Thunderstorms: I prefer blizzards
Do you play an Instrument: Heck yes! Several. Saxophones, flutes, piano, guitar, many many more.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: Nope. Unless you count that one chocolate with that gross stuff inside that I gagged on and then spat out.
In the past month have you Smoked: Nope
In the past month have you been on Drugs: Heck no
In the past month have you gone on a Date: Yes actually! Surprise!
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: I think so... I'm not sure
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: If I had them I'm sure I would have
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: Yum!! Yes! California rolls and salmon sashimi are my favorites
In the past month have you been on Stage: Twice, playing the accordion for approximately 500 people, and singing O Holy Night for Christmas Eve (Read "Just to catch you up" for more on that)
In the past month have you been Dumped: Nope. Exactly the opposite
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: Hello, it was December in Canada
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: Not ever in my life
Ever been Drunk: Not in the slightest
Ever been called a Tease: Not in that word.
Ever been Beaten up: Now who would touch sweet little me?
Ever Shoplifted: Not even close
How do you want to Die: Peacefully (not necessarily quietly), of old age
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: A musician or architect or music teacher or music producer or marine biologist or... well, lots of things
What country would you most like to Visit: Probably any of the mediterranean. But with friends, cause just family or just me is boring
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color: Chocolatey brown is my weakness, but I'm open for anything
Favourite Hair Color: I'm gonna try not to make this too biased... but I like either brown (like me) or black (you could've guessed)
Short or Long Hair: Shortish. Not too short, cause I wanna be able to run my fingers through it
Height: At least 5'5 and 7/8
Weight: I'm not picky, but nice and buff would be hot, I think
Best Clothing Style: I'm not picky on this either, but the pants have to be in a reasonable place. Not up way high or down around the knees. That's just weird.
Number of Drugs I have taken: None. Well, medicinal, but nothing bad
Number of CDs I own: I wouldn't even guess. Enough for at least 3000 songs
Number of Piercings: One in each ear and no more ever
Number of Tattoos: None, but maybe in the future
Number of things in my Past I Regret: Maybe one major one, but other than that, no regrets

How Am I Supposed To Channel My Randomness?

For photography class (yes, that's one of my friday option classes) I have to do a photo essay, but I'm really struggling with it. I have no idea what theme I should do, and what I should put in this photo essay, but I know I should get started pretty darn soon. Maybe I should do a music theme... but then what would I take pictures of? My saxophone?
I love photography and everything, but this much structure is making my life difficult. I'd rather just take pictures of random things, throw it all together and call it a project. You should see my previous photography stuff. It's so weird. It's so easy making things look artsy if you're random like me. I think I'm going to go take some pictures of my cats...